Alex Fear and the Mrs are officially on holiday for 2 weeks from tomorrow, so the blogging will be light. We're actually looking for new flat to rent but we may just skip to the beach if the sun keeps (or catch a cheap 'environMENTALly unfriendly' flight away for a few days).
In the meantime, any time I get at the 'puter will be devoted to testing a new CMS and thinking the best way to go about transferring this to a Wordpress blog (domain name/content). Look forward to changes, and better organisation of the resources (devoted to social action etc).
In the meantime, click on one of the labels below to read through some previous topics.
For those familiar with the Emerging Church movement, Phil Johnson has created some motivational posters which reflect the core beliefs of the movement.
If you're not familiar with the movement then the humour may be lost on you, unless you're someone who realises that there are some ideologies that are simply incompatible.
Note to World: Please Remove Your Libel Against Me
O
Offensive Caution, this one may offend. Contains libellous blog comments.
I'm so craptastically sick of reading libel and counter-libel claims being slung back and forth between immature British bloggers (who shall remain anonymous), who get far too much attention for their drivel. I'm now going to post my own bit of libel just because it seems mandatory if you own a blog these days:
Cow farts are responsible for Global Warming!
I now expect throngs of cows from the blogging cow-munity to accuse me of libel and post contrary statistics that it is not farts but belches, to prove me wrong.
What I'd like to see is a law that fines people for accusing someone of libel and not following it up in court- surely that in itself has to be a form of libel... like calling someone libellous or something.
Can all British Cows who shout libel at least once a month on their blogs, please get off the internets, you're polluting the tubes with your methanes!
This Post Is Rated: M for Mildly Offensive. Londoners may take particular offense at the revelations of this post (and they are welcome to it).
Last year I moved from Warwickshire, England to Ealing, Londonland and having been in this strange culture for several months now, I feel able to comment on it fully.
Londonland is ruled by Supreme Dictator Red Ken, whose rule has been unchallenged for 7 years and at this rate looks set to go on forever. Natives of Londonland refer to it simply as London, but it is quite obvious that the Supreme Dictator considers London to be a separate state from the country of England, where I come from. After all, in England, mayors of large cities tend to serve the inhabitants of their cities and are concerned with matters within their jurisdiction. It would be rare to see an English mayor flying all over the world to attract business and mass-migration, posturing on the world stage like a prime minister, president or royalty would.
The people of Londonland (Londoners) are very different from the English. For example, English people such as myself, enjoy fresh air and open spaces, so they buy and build property that allows them to experience these things. In Londonland, people have a fear of open spaces, so they cover anything green with flats and industrial parkland. Then they buy a large family houses and split each room into several living compartments for single or couples. The Mayor of London has erected a Congestion zone surrounding the City of London and the counties of Kensington and Chelsea. This is to create the maximum amount of congestion in the surrounding areas of Shepherds Bush, Hammersmith, Battersea, Vauxhall and Islington. This has the effect of reducing air quality as traffic takes longer to reach its destination.
The exchange rate between England and Londonland is 1:3. For every 1 pound you spend in England, you spend on average 3 pounds in Londonland. That's why in England a hairdresser is usually a low paid job, but in Londonland hairdressers outrank fund managers and investment bankers.
Londoners have no basic sense of geography. Many Londoners would be able to tell you what time you need to catch the Victoria line to Kings Cross but have no idea how to get home if you offer them a lift in the car. When queried about a place existing outside of the M25, they simply do not know, it doesn't exist.
There is no past-time that Londoners enjoy more than queing. Everywhere you go in Londonland you will find you have to queue. Infrastructure is designed to maximise queue potential by making buildings and streets as small as possible. If Londoners can't queue then they settle for overcrowding, which is just as much fun. The objective of the game is to wait until the tube train pulls up and then try to cram as many people as possible into one space. If you're not breathing the armpit of the person standing next to you, then you simply haven't got enough people in yet. A good tactic of 'overcrowding' is to stand as near to the door as possible to maximise the sardine effect. The Mayor of Londonland knows how much Londoners enjoy 'overcrowding', which is why he doesn't invest money into tube infrastructure to create more capacity.
Motorists of Londonland love nothing more than sitting in their car and going nowhere, especially in the hot sun. So as an alternative to the enjoyable activity of queuing to get into a car park, the Mayor of Londonland has done his best to recreate the a car park on Londonlands roads. This has been achieved by installing as many speed humps, traffic lights and one-way routes as possible. Of course this alone would not slow traffic down enough to simulate all the thrills of sitting in a car park, so the Mayor has also converted as many 2-lane roads as possible into single lanes. In order to do this he marked out long stretches of road with red tarmac. These lanes are specially reserved for the mythical London Bus. 'Mythical' because a bus is rarely seen on these strips of red tarmac, however, plenty can be spotted queuing amongst the cars on the black tarmac.
Londonland has very different traffic rules to England. For example, in Londonland, motorbikes and mopeds usually drive on the right side of the road, and only move onto the left side if the right side of the road is blocked by oncoming traffic. In England, where I am from, people generally use their car horns to express dissatisfaction with another driver, in a situation such as where the other driver has cut them up. In Londonland, the car horn is used to express apology or appreciation of your driving, ie. If someone cuts you up or crosses into your lane, it's not unusual for them to beep you on their horn, the longer they beep the more apologetic they are.
Finally, when living in Londonland it's important to emphasise how great living in Londonland is to visitors from England and other countries. A true Londoner will never mention the foibles detailed above because they don't see them. It makes me think of the line that Morpheus speaks to Neo from The Matrix...
"Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself... The Matrix is a system, Neo. That system is our enemy. But when you're inside, you look around, what do you see? Businessmen, teachers, lawyers, carpenters. The very minds of the people we are trying to save. But until we do, these people are still a part of that system and that makes them our enemy. You have to understand, most of these people are not ready to be unplugged. And many of them are so inured, so hopelessly dependent on the system, that they will fight to protect it."
Londonland is a Matrix. Bleak, concrete, systematic and ruled by sinister government programs and agents. Green spaces and parks seem to be artificial compared to England. There's nowhere you can go that other people aren't and we are watched by a melee of cameras and robots. Welcome to Londonland.
This Post Is Rated: F for Fun. Some good ol' web 1.0 humour.
Seems like a day doesn't go by that I don't get an offer from Russian beauty Natasha, who is looking for love and wants to marry me, or the lawyer of the recently deceased Directory of Operation International Credit Settlement, Central Bank Of Nigeria, who wants to channel some funds through a Western bank account and cut me in on it. Then there is the just plain wierd German ones like this:
AM MONTAG 4. JUNI!
Firma: MOBILE EMAIL US
Kurzel: WKN : 42Q109 / MM1.F
ISIN : US60742Q1094
Preis: 0.309 (+32%)
2-T Prognose: 0.93 +300%
REALISIERTER KURSGEWINN VON 300% IN 2 TAGEN!
MONTAG 4. JUNI STARTET DIE RALLYE!
I miss the old days, when spammers actually worked hard to fool us. Back then spam was written in English, you could trust the scam was genuine. None of this badly translated Gringlish nonsense you get nowadays.
So for those who remember when instant messaging meant sending an email, going to make a cup of tea, then coming back and clicking refresh on your inbox, without further ado I give you...
I usually don't blog these forward things but I'm just blogging this one, because it might be true...
I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M's (sent to me because I forwarded an e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is "MM" in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken (which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC).
Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEY HAD BEEN STOLEN.He saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true - I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)
The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy's expense.Then reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital - the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck but for only 10 people you will only have OK luck and if you send it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).
So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation. Send THIS to all the friends who send you their mail and you will receive 4 green M&Ms -- if you don't, the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck: you will get sick from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, your spouse will develop a skin rash from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms, and the U.S. government will put a tax on your e-mails forever.
Source: I can't remember (old one I know).
Subject: Caution...
I know a lot of rumors have been going around about planned or possibly planned terrorist attacks. Most of these e-mails I read and pretty much go on about my day. This however sounds SERIOUS!
Don't go to the bathroom on October 28th. CIA intelligence reports that a major plot is planned for that day. Anyone who takes a poop on the 28th will be bitten on the butt by an alligator. Reports indicate that organized groups of alligators are planning to rise up into unsuspecting American's toilet bowls and bite them when they are doing their dirty business.
I usually don't send emails like this, but I got this information from a reliable source. It came from a friend of a friend whose cousin is dating this girl whose brother knows this guy whose wife knows this lady whose husband buys hotdogs from this guy who knows a shoeshine guy who shines the shoes of a mailroom worker who has a friend who's drug dealer sells drugs to another mailroom worker who works in the CIA building. He apparently overheard two guys talking in the bathroom about alligators and came to the conclusion that we are going to be attacked. So it must be true.
Hoax emails are the ingrown toenails on the stinky foot that is the Web. Congress refuses to pass an anti-spam email bill because our representatives believe such a bill could have an adverse effect on e-commerce. Whiners.
With help from you, the TechTV reader, I believe we can put pressure on Congress by elevating email scams to a profoundly irritating art form and bombarding inboxes the world over with the worst hoaxes the Web can offer.
Before you set out to compose a super-spam masterpiece, you must first understand the basic components of an email hoax and how they can magically fit together to help make online life a baffling ordeal.
Subject line -- As Thomas Jefferson said, an email hoax is only as good as its subject line. Amateur scammers usually settle for hackneyed ALL CAP exclamations like, "IMPORTANT!! TRILLIONS OF DOLLARS FOR YOU!!!! OPEN NOW!!" I suggest something more personal, yet broadly applicable, like, "I found your dog." Many people have dogs, and most would be thrilled to hear that their dog was not lost. You can try it with a cat, but we all know that cat people are a lot less gullible, and frankly, wouldn't care all that much if their cat was dead.
Sick child -- All good email hoaxes should include one or eight pleas to save the life of a sick child. Never mind the obvious non-logic that somehow money can be generated by forwarding an email to 256 friends. Try to think like your audience: You've never ventured beyond the AOL homepage, you constantly sign up for "free email offers," your name is Gomer. Now hit yourself in the head with a ball-peen hammer. Perfect.
Urban legend -- Urban legends are only scary if they take boring, everyday activities and turn them into inescapable death traps. Examples: HIV-laced syringes on gas pumps; prospective gang members hide in back seats of cars at gas pumps; gas pumps turn into man-eating snakes and eat your spleen.
Cancellation or taxation of much-loved services -- Two facts of life: People are cheap and people hate change. Threaten to tax email, cancel AOL instant messaging, ban cell phones, or raise the price of Old Navy drawstring pants and gullible email slobs will go berserk.
Free crap -- People will sell their mother's pancreas for a free pen. Use this to your advantage.
With these five hoax facts under your belt, you are now ready to create your very own "super scam." Simply mix and match our helpful hints and you're on your way to mass email fraud. Here's an example:
Subject: Hey, it's me
Hey,
I know that everybody hates email forwards, but when my brother told me about his friends Pete and Barbara and their daughter Nicki, I couldn't say no.
Ya see, Nicki has this weird brain condition that causes her to gruesomely murder anyone who uses the word "potato." This brain condition is degenerative and extremely contagious. If not stopped, millions more will be stricken, and we'll have to start calling potato chips "crisps" like those silly Brits.
Doctors say that the only way to cure Nicki's ailment is if this email message makes it around the world 947 times in two days. To up the ante, Bill Gates, Paul Allen, and the Prince of Monaco have promised $200 billion dollars to the first 53 people who forward the message to 1,000 people or more. I received my check yesterday, which I used to buy a PlayStation2 and Jennifer Lopez.
Did I mention that Nicki's brain condition will raise gas prices to $200 a gallon? Well, it will.
Please forward this to as many people as you can, especially people over the age of 67 with poor reasoning skills.
Thanks for your help. Dave
That wasn't so hard, was it? Now you give it a try. Use the Talkback section below to share your own handmade hoax emails. We'll select the best and forward them to the TechTV Newsletter subscribers. Those people will read anything
WASHINGTON, D.C.-- The Institute for the Investigation of Irregular Internet Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are becoming infected by a new virus that causes them to believe without question every groundless story, legend, and dire warning that shows up in their inbox or on their browser. The Gullibility Virus, as it is called, apparently makes people believe and forward copies of silly hoaxes relating to cookie recipes, email viruses, taxes on modems, and get-rich-quick schemes.
"These are not just readers of tabloids or people who buy lottery tickets based on fortune cookie numbers," a spokesman said. "Most are otherwise normal people, who would laugh at the same stories if told to them by a stranger on a street corner." However, once these same people become infected with the Gullibility Virus, they believe anything they read on the Internet.
"My immunity to tall tales and bizarre claims is all gone," reported one weeping victim. "I believe every warning message and sick child story my friends forward to me, even though most of the messages are anonymous."
Another victim, now in remission, added, "When I first heard about Good Times, I just accepted it without question. After all, there were dozens of other recipients on the mail header, so I thought the virus must be true." It was a long time, the victim said, before she could stand up at a Hoaxees Anonymous meeting and state, "My name is Jane, and I've been hoaxed." Now, however, she is spreading the word. "Challenge and check whatever you read," she says.
Internet users are urged to examine themselves for symptoms of the virus, which include the following:
The willingness to believe improbable stories without thinking.
The urge to forward multiple copies of such stories to others.
A lack of desire to take three minutes to check to see if a story is true.
T. C. is an example of someone recently infected. He told one reporter, "I read on the Net that the major ingredient in almost all shampoos makes your hair fall out, so I've stopped using shampoo." When told about the Gullibility Virus, T. C. said he would stop reading email, so that he would not become infected.
Anyone with symptoms like these is urged to seek help immediately. Experts recommend that at the first feelings of gullibility, Internet users rush to their favorite search engine and look up the item tempting them to thoughtless credence. Most hoaxes, legends, and tall tales have been widely discussed and exposed by the Internet community.
