10 Reasons Not To Wash

This is an old one that's been banging around the internet, nevertheless it's still a good one. In one church, the pastor, apparently fed up with all the excuses given over the years as to why people don't go to church, included "Ten Reasons Why I Never Wash" in the Sunday bulletin: I was forced to as a child. People who wash are hypocrites -- they think they are cleaner than everybody else. There are so many different kinds of soap, I can't decide which one is best. I used to wash, but I got bored and stopped. I wash only on special occasions, like Christmas and Easter. None of my friends wash. I'll start washing when I get older and dirtier. I can't spare the time. The bathroom is never warm enough in winter or cool enough in summer. People who make soap are only after your money.

Big Brother In Christ

Respect to Reverend Richard Moy who seems to be the only one in the Church of England Synod who is grounded in reality (no pun intended). "Wait, what is that muffled noise I hear? oh, it's just the God squad moaning about society again" Isn't it about time the Church actually tried to engage in society rather than make a moral stand against it (even when it has nothing to do with immorality, it's just not polite). If they would just look a bit deeper they may find that Big Brother has more in common with faith than they realise. Yes I try to avoid it but every year I end up getting pulled in, here's why... A group of people enter a house, locked in for 3 months, no contact with the outside world, all they have is the character they came in with and a big Voice that descends from the microphones giving them daily instructions, providing food and occasionally someone to talk to. Then Moses cried out to the LORD, "What am I to do with these people? They are almost ready to stone me." - Exodus 17:4 Just as God watches over us, interacts with us and provides for us, so does Big Brother the housemates (admittedly sometimes mischievously). Just as we pray to God in the secret place, the housemates enter the diary room to chat to Big Brother about the things that are bothering them, to ask for something, or to simply share how their day is going. They ask for gifts, and sometimes they get them, but sometimes there is a task or mission that Big Brother wants them to achieve. "But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you." - Matthew 6:6 From the point they enter the house, they have entered a smaller version of the world- where character and culture are bound to clash. Big Brother watches ocassionally intervenes, and so do we watch and vote. We watch the good, the bad and the ugly. We are able to see everything that goes on, every conversation that happens. We can see when someone is being deceptive, when they are gossiping and sniping. We can also see the genuine people and we admire them, we cheer them on. "...from his dwelling place he watches all who live on earth - he who forms the hearts of all, who considers everything they do." - Psalm 33:14-15 But they don't hear us, they don't see what we see. Just as in this world, people go about their daily lives, some think they're ok, they're not harming anyone, some try their best to win without concern for others, and then there are some who suffer unfairly. We don't see it happening, we don't see how others see us, but God and the Angels see it all and they cheer or they growl. "God is a righteous judge, a God who expresses his wrath every day." - Psalm 7:11 I believe that Angels intervene also, just as we are given a vote, the Angels are given authority to intervene in our lives on occasion to bring us hope, or put down enemies. Some housemates think they are a popular characters, though they have treated the others with contempt. What they have done with their time in the house, how they have treated the others has been on display for all to see, and they get 'justice' served (in the form of boos). Those who have acted with integrity, who have challenged the cheats, or risen above get the cheers. There are even times when one housemate in particular undergoes terrible persecution in the form of bullying- and they are cheered on, unaware of the army of supporters they have on the outside. "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." - Luke 15:10 Condemning shows like Big Brother and the contestants that take part, it's almost like condemning humanity- since that is what it is at it's worst.

Legosexual Dog

When Dodger was younger he used to date my leg. My leg broke it off because it was afraid of commitment, and wasn't ready to become a humping post. Here is a video of Dodger getting a backrub from my leg. Dodger was never sure if he was straight or gay, but I think from this video we can all agree, Dodger is a legosexual. Tags: Dark Side of the Light Christian Satire Gay Animals Gay Legosexual Dodger Dog

Read My Niqab

I'm considering wearing a bucket on my head when I have to speak to people outside my church. If they can't understand what I'm saying due to the reverberations of my voice in the bucket, or get conflicting messages because they can't read my expressions, I will then accuse them of failing to understand my beliefs, being racist, anti-Christian and creating a divide between me and them. After I live in a democratic country where I am free to express my beliefs and opinions and it's an expression of my religious freedom to wear a bucket on my head. I can communicate my ideas quite clearly with a bucket on my head, and if people refuse to understand then they are obviously fascists. Tags: Dark Side of the Light Christian Satire Bucket Head Niqab Muslim Veil Religious Expression Jack Straw Add to del.icio.us

Repost: "Nuns don't have 'G-Spot'" - Scientists Say

Canadian scientists have put to rest the theories that Nuns have a "God-spot" in their brains. Plans are already in motion for their next big research project: Dissecting 5 AOG Ministers to test the theory that there is a 'God or Jesus-shaped' hole in each of our hearts. Tags: Dark Side of the Light Christian Satire Nuns G-Spot Canadian Scientists God Spot Jesus Shaped Hole AOG Add to del.icio.us

Repost: Police Call for Renaming England - "Mega City One"

From the BBC (yet again, sorry). "It is therefore time to debate whether constables should be given substantial additional, discretionary, summary powers to meet these challenges... such powers would effectively bring existing criminal justice system powers to the street." - Chief Judge McGruder of Surrey Police Other Mega City One News: Man Acting Suspiciously In A Train Station I Invented Judge Dredd Mega City One - Wikipedia History of Mega City One Tags: Dark Side of the Light Christian Satire Judge Dredd Mega City One Surrey Police BBC Judge Dredd Instant Justice Police Chief Chief Judge McGruder Mark Rowley Police Powers Add to del.icio.us

Repost: Iranian Blogger gets past Censorship Barriers...

... Tells Story to World. Considering the censorship and lack of freedom of the media and the internet in Iran, blogs continue to flourish. The latest blogger to break through the censorship barrier, writes about growing up in Iran poor, Iranian government and it's history, and how he thinks it was a good idea to attack Saddam Hussein. As reported by the BBC.. Please visit Mahmood's blog and show your support for Iranian blogging. Tags: Dark Side of the Light Christian Satire Blogging Iran Iranian Blogging Freedom of SpeechMedia Censorship Democracy Dictatorship Amadinejad BBC Iran Government Saddam Hussein Add to del.icio.us

Repost: UK Threat Level: Critical

Following yesterdays suspected plot to blow up passenger planes bound for the US, the threat of Government introducing new legislation remains critical. "We should err on the side of caution," said John Prescott today. "however I want to assure the British public that I am currently running the country whilst Blair is on holiday and, so we can guarantee that no new legislation will be passed in the short term." Britain has suffered from a number of draconian legislation attacks from New Labour ever since they came into power. The most recent being the UK's Racial and Religious Hatred Act, dubbed 16/2 (16th February 2006). When questioned how long the critical threat level would continue, Prescott's answer was dubious, "We're possibly looking at least another 3-4 years". Tags: Dark Side of the Light Christian Satire UK Threat Level Critical Threat Legislation New Labour John Prescott Tony Blair Draconian Terrorism Add to del.icio.us

Repost: Church Goes to Desperate Lengths for Tithe...

The lack of tithing discipline in the Church of England has caused Clergy to take extreme measures. As reported by the BBC. Tags: Dark Side of the Light Christian Satire Tithe Tithing Church of England Clergy Cash Machines Add to del.icio.us

Repost: Coulter Attacks Jesus Over Liberal Agenda!

Americas new Witchfinder General, Ann Coulter, has lambasted Jesus Christ in her latest book "Haters Get More Publicity". In the book she compares Jesus to the Godless liberals in America who love sinners and prostitutes, stand against the death penalty, war and earthly empire. "This self-appointed Messiah is a liar and a blasphemer" says Coulter of the Lord. On his stand against the death penalty for the woman caught in adultery, she calls him an "enemy of family values". She goes on to question Jesus's reputation, linking him to sinners and prostitutes. "All his respectable colleagues have deserted him." she claims. "He is also know for being soft on crime." Coulter has even attacked his war record. "When Jesus came to this earth, he promised a new Kingdom, he was pro-war and pro-empire, now we are expected to believe when he says 'My Kingdom is not of this world'?" Finally, she accuses Jesus of treason, and being un-American when it comes to his views on how to treat our enemies. She cites Jesus as saying, "But if you are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies. Do good to those who hate you. Pray for the happiness of those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you." Luke 6:27-28 She ends with "The evidence speaks for itself, Jesus is not a patriot". We asked Jesus what he had to say in his defense: "Count yourself blessed every time someone cuts you down or throws you out, every time someone smears or blackens your name to discredit me. What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and that that person is uncomfortable. You can be glad when that happens skip like a lamb, if you like! For even though they don't like it, I do . . . and all heaven applauds. And know that you are in good company; my preachers and witnesses have always been treated like this." Luke 6:22-23 Tags: Dark Side of the Light Christian Satire Ann Coulter Religious Right Liberal Jesus GodGodless Liberals Church of Liberalism politics War Against Terror Forgiveness Enemies Family Values Sinners Blasphemer Prostitutes Crime Witchfinder General Add to del.icio.us

Repost: Titles You'll Never See In A Christian Bookshop

I always judge good books by their titles: The Uncertain Life Look Great, Not Feeling Great How God Wiped Out Almost All Of Creation In His Anger Closer To Hell What a Messed-Up World Living Paycheck To Paycheck Running With Midgets Developing The Follower Within You Greed Is OK The Life You Never Wanted Some Titles I would like to see: No, I'm Not 'Alright' Issues That Can't Be Solved By a 3-5 Point Sermon How To Stick With People When They Are Experiencing Prolonged Difficulty Respect Works Both Ways We Can't All Get Rich Without Someone Being Poor/Ripped Off Tags: Dark Side of the Light Christian Satire Christian Books Christian Titles Add to del.icio.us

Repost: The JFK Seminar

Following the success of The Jesus Seminar, like minded theologians, historians and political analysts have decided to apply their collective wisdom to another historical event which is surrounded in controversy and doubt. Using a simple colour-coded voting system, The learned intellectuals and academics of The Jesus Seminar found it was possible to take eye-witness accounts of historical events and simply remove most of the parts they didn't agree with. Realising that this system of deciding what historical facts you want to agree with seemed to work, they have applied it to the event surrounding the assassination of President John F Kennedy. They hope that they can finally settle the myths and conspiracy theories once and for all. JFK Seminarians used the same technique they applied to the events of the gospels. They worked through each sentence of the press and government reports of the event and applied the following colour-coded system to decide: Red: The historical reliability of this information is virtually certain. Pink: This information is probably reliable. Gray: This information is possible but unreliable. Black: This information is improbable, it is largely or entirely fictional. After hours of painstaking listening and then voting (guessing) on each sentence of the report, the JFK seminar finally released their own report which they held to be more accurate than the eyewitnesses, reporters and people who were there at the time. The following is a summary of their account of the JFK assassination: John F Kennedy was born in Massachusetts in 1917, He served in the Navy from 1941-1945. He was a catholic. He may have been the 35th President of the United States. and is thought to have sanctioned the Bay of Pigs invasion into Cuba and later negotiated the release survivors from the invasion but it may not have been a great number. There may have been some issue or crisis over nuclear missiles and the USSR, but since we are on friendly terms with Russia in modern times, that's probably based on personal views at the time. The Peace Corps were founded largely on the belief that Kennedy was a President. He most likely backed the civil rights movement. In 1963 it is held in wide belief that Kennedy was assassinated, but who the assassin was is unclear and since we have not had an assassination of an American President for a very long time, it is highly unlikely this event actually happened.Since both The Jesus Seminar and The JFK Seminar are held in high esteem amongst many intelligent people and academics, it will come as no surprise that even the current American and British governments have employed their methodology for determining policies and the truth in such matters as WMD in Iraq, link between Iraq and terrorism and success overall in The War Against Terror. Tags: Dark Side of the Light The JFK Seminar The Jesus Seminar Jesus AcademicsIntellectuals Colour Coded Voting Theology Historical Jesus Add to del.icio.us

David Blaine - Is There a Point?

The world's strangest man, David Blaine has begun his latest stunt, seven days in a human aquarium. Already 2 days into the current stunt, he is already preparing for the next one and has put out some ideas for his faithful fans to vote. We Brits gave David a rough ride when he performed his suspended glass box trick in London a couple of years ago, which is a shame. Whilst we don't quite understand the necessity or exactly what point he is making, we must admire his determination against the affliction of compos mentis. So to show your support for David, please take some time to vote on the next crazy trick he should perform: David Blaine to live in a Shipping Container full of manure for 40 days. Blaine will be sealed in the Shipping Container for 40 days with no food or water. He will survive by eating cowpat (cow-pie) and fresh water, which will be poured into the container from above mixing with the nutrition-packed excrement. David Blaine to sit in a cardboard box for 6 weeks without cameras, press or publicity. Admittedly a difficult stunt to pull off for Blaine, but he is confident that he can achieve it. "This will undoubtedly be one of the hardest things I have yet to achieve... Being a wacko while the cameras are around, has helped me to retain a certain level of dementedness. Who knows where the craziness will stop when they're not there!" David Blaine to be locked in a large safe and dropped somewhere in the middle of the Atlantic. Whilst the safe will be watertight, it will also be airtight. Blaine will be surviving without food, water or air for as long as he can. If the stunt goes wrong, he will tap out a complex rhythm with his fingernails on the inside of the safe door. However apart from possibly attracting the attention of a passing dolphin, we doubt his safety crew will hear him. David Blaine to be locked up in Guantanamo indefinitely. Blaine will live indefinitely in a small cell in Guantanamo without access to press, lawyers or human rights. Vote now! Tags: Dark Side of the Light Christian Satire