Blasphemically Challenged

I've been meaning to blog about this one for a while since it appeared on BoingBoing: "It's simple. You record a short message damning yourself to Hell, you upload it to YouTube, and then the Rational Response Squad will send you a free The God Who Wasn't There DVD. It's that easy... You may damn yourself to Hell however you would like, but somewhere in your video you must say this phrase: "I deny the Holy Spirit." Why? Because, according to Mark 3:29 in the Holy Bible, "Whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven; he is guilty of an eternal sin." Jesus will forgive you for just about anything, but he won't forgive you for denying the existence of the Holy Spirit. Ever. This is a one-way road you're taking here." - The Blasphemy Challenge It's a shame to have to ruin all their hard work by interceding: "Father forgive them; they don't know what they are doing." - Luke 23:34 I'm not really going to delve much into this topic, suffice to say that I am almost certain that only believers can blaspheme the Holy Spirit, since it is a matter of the heart and not of words or deeds: "Then Peter said, “Ananias, why have you let Satan fill your heart? You lied to the Holy Spirit, and you kept some of the money for yourself. The property was yours to sell or not sell, as you wished. And after selling it, the money was also yours to give away. How could you do a thing like this? You weren’t lying to us but to God!” As soon as Ananias heard these words, he fell to the floor and died. Everyone who heard about it was terrified." - Acts 5:3-5 "Judas, the one who betrayed him, realized that Jesus was doomed. Overcome with remorse, he gave back the thirty silver coins to the high priests, saying, "I've sinned. I've betrayed an innocent man." They said, "What do we care? That's your problem!" Judas threw the silver coins into the Temple and left. Then he went out and hung himself." - Matthew 27:3-5 But I think this video posted on the counter-site, Challenge Blasphemy explains it better than I ever could in a hilarious and brilliant way. There is a hint of 'Andy Kaufman' comic genius in passtheaura. Look out for the salt-shaker*, points for guessing as to what this subtle Easter egg is alluding to. *If you're really struggling, go to the direct YouTube posting and read the comments. Technorati Tags: blasphemy, blasphemy challenge, god, christ, christian, apologetics, christian satire, holy spirit, forgiveness

Bigamy With A Twist

From BBC News: Lesbian on ceremony bigamy charge A woman has appeared in court accused of going through a civil partnership ceremony with her lesbian partner while still being married to a man. Suzanne Mitchell, 29, of Wingfield Gardens, Shrewsbury, appeared before the town's magistrates on Thursday. The mother-of-three denied making a false statement to a registrar when she married Caroline Beddowes in a civil partnership ceremony last February. The case was referred to the crown court and Mrs Mitchell was given bail. I suspect I have lost all my readers but to anyone passing, thoughts? Referral: The Magistrates Blog

From Sin To Celebrity

When they had crucified him, they divided up his clothes by casting lots. - Matthew 27:35

Iraq, Iraq, Iraq, The Eagle and the Koran (sic)

A new and creative Urban Legend is making it's way around the internet. My Sweetheart did the thoughtful thing of emailing me a copy as she knows I have a good Bullshat detector (kind of like a Bullshit detector but not as abrasive). The email is as follows (100's of email forward addresses removed), however I have interlaced it with my own observations: VERY INTERESTING- 1. The Garden of Eden was in Iraq. 2. Mesopotamia, which is now Iraq, was the cradle of civilization! The original location of the Garden of Eden is still disputed between scholars and historians today- Mesopotamia is the most likely location (if indeed it was an Earthly paradise). Mesopotamia covered the areas known today as Iraq, Eastern Syria and Southeastern Turkey - source Wikipedia. 3. Noah built the ark in Iraq. 4. The Tower of Babel was in Iraq. 5. Abraham was from Ur, which is in Iraq! Possible location of the Ark but not confirmed. The Tower of Babel and Ur were located in Mesopotamia. 6. Isaac's wife Rebekah is from Nahor, which is in Iraq! 7. Jacob met Rachel in Iraq. Nahor is the name of a person from the Old Testament, whilst Haran is located in modern day Syria- not Iraq! 8. Jonah preached in Nineveh - which is in Iraq. This is correct. 9. Assyria, which is in Iraq, conquered the ten tribes of Israel. Assyria both formed alliances with and warred against Israel at different stages in history. Assyria conquered parts of Israel and Judah, however, they failed in their invasion against Jerusalem. 10. Amos cried out in Iraq! As far as I can tell Amos never entered into the region which is known as modern day Iraq. 11. Babylon, which is in Iraq, destroyed Jerusalem. 12. Daniel was in the lion's den in Iraq! 13. The three Hebrew children were in the fire in Iraq (Jesus had been in Iraq also as the fourth person in the Fiery furnace!) 14. Belshazzar, the King of Babylon saw the "writing on the wall" in Iraq. 15. Nebuchadnezzar, King of Babylon, carried the Jews captive into Iraq. Around 600bc Babylon led Israel into captivity. Daniel was a Jewish prophet and one of the captives. He was indeed ordered to be fed to the lions, but an Angel closed their mouths. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, were also at the same time as Daniel thrown into a furnace and rescued by an Angel of the Lord (4th person in the fire). 16. Ezekiel preached in Iraq. Quite probably. This is where the revelation starts to fall apart: 17. The wise men were from Iraq. Try Iran. 18. Peter preached in Iraq. Try the other direction, Greece and Turkey. 19. The "Empire of Man" described in Revelation is called Babylon, which was a city in... Wait for it... Iraq! And you have probably seen this one. Israel is the nation most often mentioned in the Bible. But do you know which nation is second? It is Iraq! However, that is not the name that is used in the Bible The names used in the Bible are Babylon, Land of Shinar, and Mesopotamia. The word Mesopotamia means between the two rivers, more exactly between the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers. The name Iraq, means country with deep roots. Indeed Iraq is a country with deep roots and is a very significant country in the Bible. No other nation, except Israel, has more history and prophecy associated with it than Iraq. I'm no bible historian but I'll take that for granted. It's fair to say that modern day Iraq features in many biblical events. And also, This is something to think about! Since America is typically represented by an eagle. Saddam should have read up on his Muslim passages... That theory would hold true if Sadam was not in fact a secularist, non-believer. Here's the clincher- The following verse is from the Koran, (the Islamic Bible) Koran ( 9:11 ) - For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle. The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced; for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah; and there was peace. (Note the verse number!) Hmmmmmmm?! Bullshat! First off, it's Quran, not Koran. Secondly there is a Book 9 verse 11 but it is not what is written above. 9:11 of the Quran is as follows: "Yet if they repent, and take to prayer, and render the purifying dues, they become your brethren in faith: and clearly do We spell out these messages unto people of [innate] knowledge!" - Tauba (The Repentance) v. 11 There is no reference to an Eagle in the whole of the Quran! Do yourself and everyone else a favour, don't forward this on and reveal your ignorance! Tags: Dark Side of the Light Christian Satire Iraq+Koran Quran Eagle+Koran Mesopotamia Wrath of Eagle Bullshat Urban Legend Babylon Bible Tigris Euphrates Add to del.icio.us

Repost: Another Day, Another Law Passed

"It is for this reason that Blair wants to introduce ID cards. He has already admitted that they do bugger all in the war against terror, but they do reassure the readers of the Daily Mail that "something is being done" about asylum seekers." - Kel, The Osterley Times Tags: Dark Side of the Light Christian Satire The Osterley Times Government Legislation Blair Daily Mail Add to del.icio.us

Repost: Police Call for Renaming England - "Mega City One"

From the BBC (yet again, sorry). "It is therefore time to debate whether constables should be given substantial additional, discretionary, summary powers to meet these challenges... such powers would effectively bring existing criminal justice system powers to the street." - Chief Judge McGruder of Surrey Police Other Mega City One News: Man Acting Suspiciously In A Train Station I Invented Judge Dredd Mega City One - Wikipedia History of Mega City One Tags: Dark Side of the Light Christian Satire Judge Dredd Mega City One Surrey Police BBC Judge Dredd Instant Justice Police Chief Chief Judge McGruder Mark Rowley Police Powers Add to del.icio.us

Repost: Gay Police Offend Religious Offenders

I've been trying to work out what it is that offends me about this advertisement that appeared in The Independent on 29th June 2006. The ad was placed by the Gay Police Association (GPA) in advance of Europride in London. Something about this ad was really getting on my nerves but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. After studying it hard for a long time, I found out what was irritating me so much: "in the name of the father" - They hadn't referenced their leading bible quote properly! I just hate it when people quote scripture and don't give you the address of where to find it! Oh well, I found a scripture that's equally useful: 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 Now before I'm accused of being a hater, I purposely left in verse 11 for the holier amongst us. I have no problem with the lifestyle choices of non-believers. (update: sorry if that bothers any Gay cops reading this, who are looking for more Christians to persecute). But I have to ask, why do the police need a GPA? I mean, what does your sexual preference have to do with your ability to do your job? When I was 15 I wanted to join the police, unfortunately I felt discriminated against as they didn't have an SLPA (Self-Love Police Association). Tags: Dark Side of the Light Christian Satire Gay Police Association Europride In The Name of the Father Gay Police Advert Bible Quote Religious Hate Police Complaints Self Love OffenceHate Crime Homophobia Add to del.icio.us

Repost: Playground Games

Very funny comment over at Right Hand of God. "In 'Cowboys & Indians,' they always made Ahmed play an Indian squaw. In 'Batman & Robin,' he was always Alfred. And in 'Global Islamic Jihad,' they always made him play America, the Great Satan." - RHOG - Ah, Youth! Whilst Arab children play flag-wearing, Israeli children prefer painting. Peace in the Middle East won't come from negotiations, bombing, fighting or International condemnation. It begins and ends in the playground. Tags: Dark Side of the Light Christian Satire Right Hand of God The Osterley Times Middle East Conflict Israeli Children Arab Children Islamic Jihad Playground Games Add to del.icio.us

Repost: The JFK Seminar

Following the success of The Jesus Seminar, like minded theologians, historians and political analysts have decided to apply their collective wisdom to another historical event which is surrounded in controversy and doubt. Using a simple colour-coded voting system, The learned intellectuals and academics of The Jesus Seminar found it was possible to take eye-witness accounts of historical events and simply remove most of the parts they didn't agree with. Realising that this system of deciding what historical facts you want to agree with seemed to work, they have applied it to the event surrounding the assassination of President John F Kennedy. They hope that they can finally settle the myths and conspiracy theories once and for all. JFK Seminarians used the same technique they applied to the events of the gospels. They worked through each sentence of the press and government reports of the event and applied the following colour-coded system to decide: Red: The historical reliability of this information is virtually certain. Pink: This information is probably reliable. Gray: This information is possible but unreliable. Black: This information is improbable, it is largely or entirely fictional. After hours of painstaking listening and then voting (guessing) on each sentence of the report, the JFK seminar finally released their own report which they held to be more accurate than the eyewitnesses, reporters and people who were there at the time. The following is a summary of their account of the JFK assassination: John F Kennedy was born in Massachusetts in 1917, He served in the Navy from 1941-1945. He was a catholic. He may have been the 35th President of the United States. and is thought to have sanctioned the Bay of Pigs invasion into Cuba and later negotiated the release survivors from the invasion but it may not have been a great number. There may have been some issue or crisis over nuclear missiles and the USSR, but since we are on friendly terms with Russia in modern times, that's probably based on personal views at the time. The Peace Corps were founded largely on the belief that Kennedy was a President. He most likely backed the civil rights movement. In 1963 it is held in wide belief that Kennedy was assassinated, but who the assassin was is unclear and since we have not had an assassination of an American President for a very long time, it is highly unlikely this event actually happened.Since both The Jesus Seminar and The JFK Seminar are held in high esteem amongst many intelligent people and academics, it will come as no surprise that even the current American and British governments have employed their methodology for determining policies and the truth in such matters as WMD in Iraq, link between Iraq and terrorism and success overall in The War Against Terror. Tags: Dark Side of the Light The JFK Seminar The Jesus Seminar Jesus AcademicsIntellectuals Colour Coded Voting Theology Historical Jesus Add to del.icio.us

Bloody Foreigners!

Interesting debate today over repatriation of foreign nationals who are suspected terrorists. Reading Blairs response to one question, I found an example of the mindset that the Prime Minister and many Sun readers have: "We have many people, I think almost 40, who are foreign nationals who are accused of terrorist offences or of plotting or inciting terrorism and their cases are going through the court. The hon. Gentleman is absolutely right to say that we have got to make sure that those court cases are successful." I am assuming a successful verdict means those who are judged guilty are guilty and those who are innocent, are judged innocent? I am glad that the Prime Minister is backing the court process and committed to seeing that real justice is served. I also hope that this means any of those foreign nationals discovered to be innocent are freed and given compensation. Speaking of foreigners, who the hell does this Australian think he is? Has Rupert Murdoch now been elected to represent the views of the British public? What gives him the right and the audacity to dictate to our politicians and influence our politics, when he is not even a citizen or resident of our country?! Are our politicians so blind as not see that Murdoch is holding our government to ransom?! I say let him withdraw his funding for the corrupt New Labour project, and ban him from donating to any other political party for that matter! Let's deport this illegal immigrant and his hate literature now! Tags: Dark Side of the Light Christian Satire

Gitmo Detainees - Happy to Hang!

Are we to believe the doctors verdict that they 'showed no sign of being depressed'? Locked up indefinitely and tortured, not being granted a fair trial? Yeah, wouldn't faze me either...Taken from the Independent: The three detainees - two Saudis and a Yemeni - were given psychological tests as a formality because they had recently participated in a hunger strike, including one who refused meals for 180 days. The military said they were found hanging in their cells from nooses fashioned from bed sheets. After the suicides, Admiral Harry Harris, the commander of the detention operation, called the deaths an act of "asymmetrical warfare" against the US military. "If you ask my opinion, I agree with the admiral that this was somewhat of a political statement," the doctor told reporters visiting the US naval base. I just love how any form of dissent, or just sheer desperation is labeled as "asymmetrical warfare". If we applied this logic consistently then these people are also guilty of asymmetrical warfare and so should be treated as (suspected) enemy combatants: Asymmetrical warfare against Derby Council Asymmetrical warfare against Croydon Council Asymmetrical warfare against bin men Asymmetrical warfare against Portugal Asymmetrical warfare against a train Back in April I blogged on the witch hunt taking place in America and the UK. I cannot think of a more trenchant example as Admiral Harris's statement. This War Against Terror that they have been feeding us for so long is about whipping up fear and paranoia. But I believe the American government used this to their advantage. It is already a know fact that Bush wanted to test American military power and attack Iraq long before 9/11. After 9/11 the administration milked it all they could, constantly re-affirming how the world had changed and how we were all now part of The War Against Terror. He suggested that American guards might have noticed the detainees sooner had the prison not been following International Red Cross recommendations, including how dark their cells should be at night. "If we did everything the Red Cross wanted, there would be very little that we could do to keep detainees alive short of putting them in a strait-jacket," he said."Every time we give them something to make their lives easier, they use it against us by trying to harm themselves." Since the deaths, the military is guarding against future suicides by only giving out bed sheets and blankets during sleeping hours and monitoring detainees in their cells every three minutes. It's nice to see they are showing concern for these human beings whilst conducting interviews. It's that pesky Red Cross again, always interfering and making our job of conducting TWAT difficult. How unreasonable is that, after going to all the trouble to detain these people against international law or any rights, they attack us by harming themselves? Here's a tip: You want to make their lives easier? GIVE THEM A FAIR TRIAL. Judge them guilty or release them! Any detainee thought to be a suicide risk is now placed in a restraining, green anti-suicide smock for 72 hours and given a psychological exam, he said. Oh yeah that's going to work... will it be the same doctor? "No signs of depression here, he can be taken off suicide watch". The doctor said there have been no suicide attempts since the deaths on 10 June, but there have been several incidents of detainees harming themselves, such as putting themselves with paint chips or beating their heads against walls. What, they're not thankful for being there after all the care and attention being given to them? Some people just don't get it. Tags: Dark Side of the Light Christian Satire

Well Thought Out Concepts

June 1st - Accident Free Day That's right, the company I work for, Politico, has come up with this brilliant idea for tackling the high level of accidents that happen in our industry. Another fine example of a managers typical ineffective response to a real problem. I don't know about you but when I wake up in the morning, I always intend to have an accident-free day. Is it just me or do people go to work thinking, 'I'll have an accident this morning, then maybe another one just before the end of my shift'? See the problem with accidents is they're accidents! They're unplanned! How the hell do you go about planning an 'accident-free day'? Why stop at one day, why don't we just declare an 'Accident Free Day' everyday of the year? We'd save a heck of a lot of money on insurance and perhaps we'd be able to do away with all those premiums altogether! Politico Employee Survey Apparently we are one of the top organisations in the country. It's all down to this cleverly worded employee survey they put out a few months ago. Some of the responses included: 89% of you feel you have a secure future at the company. Meaning: I will not be promoted and I have no hope of finding a job elsewhere. 81% of you value the help that training provides. Meaning: If we were provided training it would be a help us do our jobs properly, rather than just relying on finding someone who knows how to do something. 79% of you feel fully involved in the company. Meaning: They call my mobile if I'm on holiday. 75% of you would recommend Politico to others as an employer... to avoid. Tags: Dark Side of the Light Christian Satire

The Da Vinci Code Ruined My Faith!

Ooooh Nooooo! Channel 5 will tomorrow expose the secret truth that I have tried to hide for 9 years as a born-again Christian! Supposedly this will rock the church and my faith.That's right folks, it was never about studying the bible, personal experience, spirituality, conviction, bible evidence, working for the community, prayer, social action, worship or fellowship. No, Gods purpose for the Church all along was to hide the fact and pretend that Jesus wasn't married.What will the Church do now? Surely the whole institution will collapse, millions of believers everywhere will be left disillusioned. We will soon here testimonies such as: "All my life there was something missing, I felt lost, confused and simply couldn't move on until the Church told me that Jesus was married. Now I have discovered they have lied, I am no longer a believer and I feel let down." "The knowledge that Jesus wasn't married helped me to beat my drug addiction and achieve my potential. All I can do now is go back to doing drugs." "Knowing that Jesus didn't have any kids helped me to turn from a life of crime. Now I don't know what I'll do... I guess I'll have to go back to mugging old ladies." So there you have it, 2000 years of careful scroll preservation, exposition, canonical scrutiny and debate, defeated by one, 500 year old painting.It doesn't stop there. Since the discovery of the disciple to the left of Jesus in The Last Supper is, in actual fact, a woman, further revelations have been uncovered simply by staring at the painting: Jesus was white with long hair. 1st Century Jews sat on chairs with square tables and table-clothes, like 15th Century Italians. 1st Century Jews wore clothes similar to Italians of the 15th Century. Jewish women in the 1st Century wore mens clothing. 1st Century Jerusalem was a beacon of 15th Century Italian architecture. So much for all that historical data and archeological discoveries, eh? Of course people who believe in the truth of "The Da Vinci Code" will be of sound mind. They will be rational and unbiased in their evaluation of the evidence. They will have read historical texts and alternative theories and come to their own conclusion. They have probably already read at least one of the following: The Case For Christ Mere Christianity Strong's Concordance The Bible But why waste time reading those heavy books, when you can simply visit Milan, look at a painting and make an intelligent decision. Tags: Dark Side of the Light Christian Satire

Management Theory

I'm struggling with a philosophical question. Do you have to be a dickhead to be given promotions to management level, or do you evolve into a dickhead after promotion? I'm pondering this because I've been considering my position over the last few weeks. Looking at how the department is, and how The Clowns resignation was handled, I don't see any signs of promotions or openings for me. My current mix of education and skills seems to far overshadow my job and my pay. I took the job I'm in now because the IT Market was in recession when I left university, but now the IT sector seems to be growing again and I'm really feeling the urge to move. As I have explained in previous posts, my company, Politico Ltd is filled with ego-maniac managers. One of the reasons for this is that they have either a) never worked at another company in their life, have been there for 30 years and therefore mystically have acquired ownership of Politico, or b) they have been in the industry all their life and therefore this long-serving 'experience' has mystically earned them the title of 'Industry Expert'. In both cases this brings a false expectation that lower employees should bow down humbly as they walk by their desks (and some do, amazingly). It's pretty sad and dillusional. For one thing, to only ever work in one company, even if they worked their way to the top, gives a narrow perspective and the false impression that people actually like and respect them. It's like they are genuinely under the impression that the more they demand and pressure on employees, the more they are respected and liked. Thus poking your nose into an employees affairs or dictating how they run their private life shows that they care. Secondly, experience is highly overrated. What is 30 years experience anyway? It just means you have experience of 1 year repeated 30 times. Who cares if you managed to start at the bottom and work your way to the top? It just shows you know how to climb the ladder. It doesn't matter if it's the right ladder or if you are the right person to be on that ladder in the first place. Everyone knows who these jerk-offs are. They are typically the kind of managers who come round yelling 'good morning' to every single person they pass and expecting a meek 'good morning' back. Despite the fact they've don't know your name, never bothered to stop and find out, and really don't care whether you're having a good morning or not. In my last job, there was an office manager like this who really pissed me off. Now I'm not even a morning person so that pretty much stacks the odds against any cheery 'Smile-Because-I'm-Having-A-Good-Day' types. I used to ignore him but one morning he had set his sights on bringing his morning cheer to my desk. Standing behind me whilst I was trying to concentrate on my work, "Good Morning" he hollered. Since he had never taken the time to introduce himself, and I knew he didn't know my name, I ignored him like I didn't hear. Once again, only louder a little more abrasive, and with a forced cheeriness "Good Morning!". I continued to ignore him. So then he re-positioned himself to the side of my desk leaned over and in a kind of half hysterical, half harassed, cheery sound: "Good Morning!". At this point I knew the moron was never going away, so I turned and held out my hand, "Oh I'm sorry... I'm Alex, nice to meet you..." This completely threw him off balance, he made an awkward smile and then turned away to continue on his 'Good Morning' mission. The thought he might actually have to talk to, and possibly form some sort of acquaintance with one of his staff must have completely rocked his boat. There is one operations manager at Politico who visits IT every now and then. He does the whole 'Good Morning', 'Good Afternoon' crap, but his problem is beyond the 'Good Morning' routine he doesn't know how to speak to human beings, in fact I would say his manner is not even worthy of pets. When he's got an IT problem he simply storms directly over to IT Gimp (my team colleague) and begins yelling, in front of the whole office. It's not like "I have just discovered a problem with my system can you possibly help?" There's no "Hi", "Hello", "how are you?" it's just "MY SYSTEM IS NOT WORKING, FIX IT NOW!" and I'm not exaggerating. Generally I just ignore these types, it's not worth the hassle of being identified as a worthy subject of their glorified ego manifestation. My rule is that until I'm properly introduced, I don't know who they are and I don't care. Tags: Dark Side of the Light Christian Satire

David Blaine - Is There a Point?

The world's strangest man, David Blaine has begun his latest stunt, seven days in a human aquarium. Already 2 days into the current stunt, he is already preparing for the next one and has put out some ideas for his faithful fans to vote. We Brits gave David a rough ride when he performed his suspended glass box trick in London a couple of years ago, which is a shame. Whilst we don't quite understand the necessity or exactly what point he is making, we must admire his determination against the affliction of compos mentis. So to show your support for David, please take some time to vote on the next crazy trick he should perform: David Blaine to live in a Shipping Container full of manure for 40 days. Blaine will be sealed in the Shipping Container for 40 days with no food or water. He will survive by eating cowpat (cow-pie) and fresh water, which will be poured into the container from above mixing with the nutrition-packed excrement. David Blaine to sit in a cardboard box for 6 weeks without cameras, press or publicity. Admittedly a difficult stunt to pull off for Blaine, but he is confident that he can achieve it. "This will undoubtedly be one of the hardest things I have yet to achieve... Being a wacko while the cameras are around, has helped me to retain a certain level of dementedness. Who knows where the craziness will stop when they're not there!" David Blaine to be locked in a large safe and dropped somewhere in the middle of the Atlantic. Whilst the safe will be watertight, it will also be airtight. Blaine will be surviving without food, water or air for as long as he can. If the stunt goes wrong, he will tap out a complex rhythm with his fingernails on the inside of the safe door. However apart from possibly attracting the attention of a passing dolphin, we doubt his safety crew will hear him. David Blaine to be locked up in Guantanamo indefinitely. Blaine will live indefinitely in a small cell in Guantanamo without access to press, lawyers or human rights. Vote now! Tags: Dark Side of the Light Christian Satire

The UK Witch Hunt Has Begun

"... They told me if I would not confess I should be put down into the dungeon and would be hanged, but if I would confess I should save my life." Margeret Jacobs - The Salem Witch Trials 1692 There seems to be a mean streak of paranoid puritanism in American blood. Passed down through generations, reaching a climax every few generations which results in horrific atrocities and a dim view of the sanctity of human life. From the Salem Witch Trials to The House of Un-American Activities Committee, to our present day War on Terror. It seems that every now and then, whether due to tragic circumstances, lack of integrity or basic morals and ethics, America gets the creepy feeling that 'they are among us, and they want to eat our children'. This results in launching a rounding up of all suspicious looking people, bringing charges against them for being witches, communists or terrorists and then basically subjecting them to a sort of punch and judy style trial: "You are a witch/communist/terrorist! Admit it!" "No, I'm innocent, I never saw those children/weapons of mass destruction." "Admit you are a witch/communist/terrorist and your punishment will be lenient, if you don't admit your crimes, we will punish you severely." "I told you I'm innocent, I am not a witch/communist/terrorist." "Oh yes you are!" "Oh no I'm not!"... Maybe this accounts for the proliferation and success of all the aliens hype of the 90s "They are among us/they are plotting against us". Who knows? What I do know is that this kind of dogmatic cultural response to perceived threats is invading our laws and our politics. Consider the cases below: http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2-1841452,00.html http://news.independent.co.uk/uk/legal/article356033.ece http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2005/09/29/nlab29.xml http://news.independent.co.uk/uk/legal/article331782.ece http://www.guardian.co.uk/terrorism/story/0,12780,1583684,00.html http://www.lutonmuslims.co.uk/discrimta.htm http://news.independent.co.uk/uk/crime/article354569.ece http://politics.guardian.co.uk/commons/story/0,9061,1559299,00.html But before I'm accused of bashing Americans, a wise American did say this: "He who gives up freedom for security, will end up with neither." Benjamin Franklin It's worth noting that another 'democratic' country has decided to follow world role-models, America and the UK, in introducing anti-terror laws. After posting this, I imagine my blog will soon be closed down by the police, citing anti-terrorism measures. It was fun while it lasted. Tags: Dark Side of the Light Christian Satire

Excellent Opportunities to Waste Public Money

For those who don't know, there is a section in The Guardian which advertises all the government non-jobs going. Saturdays Guardian had 2 in particular which drew my attention which makes you think there's some sort of competition or bonus for the most creative title: Department For Work and Pensions Head of Staff Engagement and Leadership Visibility £44,260 - £56,810 The British Museum Director of Public Understanding £65,000 If you want to see more, The Telegraph runs an excellent 'Non-Job of the Week' column written by Jim Levi. Tags: Dark Side of the Light Christian Satire

How to Use Your Position to get Kickbacks

2 Weeks to go till The Clown departs. I've mentioned in an earlier post how we joked for a long time he was working on his own business from home when he called in to tell us he was "working from home"- which turned out he was! Well another joke became reality last week. Since The Clown handed in his resignation he's been using up his holidays (naturally) and his sick days (yes that's right- sick days), and generally any days he has been working, he has been using up in customer visits. He's even been asked to be in the office to hand over major accounts and projects, but it seems he sees it as vital to visit as many customers as possible, rather than us who will be taking over with the customers. It's been a private joke between us desk-based monkeys that he's simply having a laugh and not at all interested in doing any hand-over. That he's simply visiting customers for a bit of a chin-wag and probably promote his own business. Last week I had the privilege of attending a visit to one of our large (and difficult) customers with him, and discovered this was indeed the case. This is a well known household name company so due to sensitivities I can't mention any specifics, so I will call this customer [Blue Pencils]. The Clown took me round a number of different work areas within Blue Pencils site. Each area we visited he was well in with the managers, security staff and important people. Aside from one important serious meeting which lasted an hour (out of a 6 hour day), it was one big coffee morning. Each area we walked into he would walk into the office, greet and ask for a cup of tea/coffee, even at one stage making his own way to the kettle and putting it on himself. He would then devote all of 10 minutes explaining the role of the team, and a full hour or two, to chatting with the team/manager, telling stories and talking about his new business (showing them his website and asking them to order stock). Now some background information. When I have a problem and communication breaks down with a customer, I usually have to ask The Clown to step in and bring the customer round. Blue Pencils was the exception, he would just never back me up and continually make me out to be in the wrong not helping one bit and not really helping me to do my job (which would be to offer correct support). Blue Pencils is fussy and it's a big account, but there was always something fishy about the way he would bend over and let them ram it up our arses. My suspicions were confirmed when we visited the 3rd area and met with his favourite manager. Part way through banter he indicated that something he had at home (a product our customer makes) had stopped working. This prompted his buddy to enquire as to whether he wanted a new one. Feigning surprise and modesty he declined the offer but the overly accommodating manager pushed and so he accepted. Coming back with one off the shelf from the downstairs warehouse, the manager then enquired as to what else The Clown needed. He suddenly started rattling off numerous items and add-ons and they then both agreed that The Clown would make his way back over at the end of the day to pick up the extra gear. These were not just cheap marketing knock-offs, we're talking expensive stock, stuff which their paying customer would pay more than £100 for. I was pretty much dumbfounded. Here we were in one of the most secure sites in the UK and my manager was walking around with this stuff in his pockets (though all other items on this occasion had to be signed off by the manager for security, as they were too big to carry in your pocket). It turns out that he gets these little gifts on every visit and amazingly has never been pulled by security, so much for their security. Overall, I think in 6 hours we did about 1 hour and 40 minutes work. The meeting itself didn't actually resolve any previous issues, it only helped to put faces to assholes. Tags: Dark Side of the Light Christian Satire

Another Imposter!

Since changing the name of my blog to the more fitting xxxxxx, I have found several imposters, some who have not even posted and others so mundane you actually wished they had not posted. The latest imposter is the so-called "XXX XXX" using the url: xxxxxx.blogspot.com. "XXX XXX" has only ever posted once - October 2005 (just before I started my blog), ironically entitled "Why am i here?". Yes, that's the question we're asking! He goes on to further elaborate "that's a good question. I have always liked to read a blog or two, but never really thought about doing it myself, until now." He then obviously never really thought about doing it again either. At least it's only 1 post. I mean some people write pages of this drivel.. I've discovered since starting this blog its a lot of hard work to keep updated. Please. Please if you've going to blog, blog something interesting, spare us the personal anguish of having to scan through: Images of your naked 2 year old in the bath. I'm not a paedophile and I do not want to be put in a compromised position. It's painful enough when you have nothing interesting to say, let alone when you put it in incomprehensible textspeak. Heavy advertising.. blogs with more cookies than a Tescos bakery. Pictures of you and your dumb friends. Those Annoying "Make Poverty History" banners. All I want to do is click 'Next Blog>>' and I can't even do that. Tags: Dark Side of the Light Christian Satire

Inferred and Implied Meanings

We currently live in a time where our government, elected leaders and leaders of corporate world rely on constantly on the use of certain words and certain language to disclose the truth, but in a way which infers something quite different from the reality. Take the example provided by the BBC today. The article refers to a recent letter sent to local traders of Bournemouth by some sputnik at Dorset Police Head Quarters. The letter informed them that they should not report shoplifting thefts worth less than £75 and that detaining a criminal would be against the Human Rights Act. A Dorset Police rep. has apologised for the letter and are quoted as saying: "I would like to apologise to retailers who were led to believe that we may have changed our policy." And, "While sent with the good intention of reducing crime, the letter... was a mistake and incorrect" OK, now back to your GCSE English classes. This exercise tests your powers of observation, reasoning and ability to recognise implied meaning. Circle A, B, or C: Question 1. Dorset Police have apologised to retailers. A: Yes B: No C: Cannot be certain Question 2. Dorset Police want to apologise to retailers. A: Yes B: No C: Cannot be certain Question 3. If retailers had followed the instructions in the letter, crime would have been reduced. A: Yes B: No C: Cannot be certain The next exercise tests your lateral thinking, reasoning and ability to hypothesize. Answers in paragraph format: Question 4. Dorset Police clearly "would like to" apologise to retailers who received the letters. What is stopping them? 2 points. Question 5. The letter sent out was intended to "reduce crime". How would not reporting crimes fitting certain criteria actually reduce crime overall? 4 points. End of Test. How did you do? Since this kind of inference plagues our leaders and politicians, I intend to point out more of my observations in the area of implied meaning.. be on the lookout! Tags: Dark Side of the Light Christian Satire

The Never-Ending Report

Every day I have to create an exceptions report for customers who are supposed to send billing data but haven't for some reason. This data really is only for billing and in most cases simply requires contacting the customer and asking them to send the data. But because of factors beyond my personal control such as: Sometimes there's an IT problem A spineless manager who will let other departments shift their work onto us The way our crappy [flux capacitors] are setup that can fail in so many new different and wonderful ways. This task falls to myself. We have around 6000 customers, every day at least 1000 do not send their billing data. With only 2 hours of my working day free to chase these customers, it doesn't take a genius to work out that most of them are going to fail for a long time. So my report always shows at the top end, customers failing to send their data over a large period of days and my progress of resolving that. The problem is, as with all exception reporting, is that once an issue has been resolved it falls off the report and is taken up by the next highest failure. To a sharp mind it is pretty obvious something is moving, something is happening as the report changes daily. However to a pretty unfocused, scatter brained individual it just seems like nothing is being done about those top failures. And if that said individual has some sort of bonus coming for performance of the billing data exceptions before Christmas, then it's important he sits with IT Monkey and makes sure something is done, because clearly IT Monkey is having problems if he can't seem to clear the top failures and they are still going for 30+ days. The person we are of course speaking of is my manager, The Clown. He now feels it's necessary to sit with me for up to 2 hours next to my desk and "help" me to resolve some of the failures. What makes this patronising, baby-sitting experience especially excruciating is that he somehow seems to see this as a bit of a brunch, therefore he'll bring a bag of peanuts and literally start munching away in my ear. How I have kept myself from exploding into rage I don't know. To give you a taste of the experience, imagine standing on a busy London tube at peak time, with people so close to your face you can tell what they had for breakfast and your journey lasts for an hour. The person who has his chin rested on your shoulder now decides now is a time for a good snack. On the tube we might forgive people for invading our personal space, an unfortunate necessity we are not able to avoid. But to sit next to me, inches from my face and ear, munching a bag of peanuts and questioning my every action, like I am a 5 year old being instructed, makes me feel like smacking him in the face, very hard. Tags: Dark Side of the Light Christian Satire